King Abdullah “Overjoyed” About Being Named Most Influential Muslim in the World

Posted on November 26, 2009


The King waves to a crowd of supporters at the press conference bussed in from labor camps on the outskirts of Riyadh.

EP: Riyadh –  At a press conference held earlier today in Riyadh, King Abdullah of Saudi Arabia expressed his joy at being named the most influential Muslim in the world by a recent book jointly published through the Center for Muslim Christian Understanding at Georgetown University and the Royal Islamic Strategic Studies Center in Jordan. Abdullah went on to explain “While I never get tired of it, I am rather used to Arab sycophants telling me how great I am. So it was nice to finally have my ass kissed by Americans who don’t have the last name Bush.” The octogenarian monarch, who has been married to at least 30 different women and has amassed a fortune estimated at over $20 billion, added that he has lived a relatively charmed life. However, he went on to say that he never gets tired of receiving accolades or honors, especially when they come from people not directly on his payroll. “I know everyone rolls their eyes each year I win the Saudi Arabian ‘Man of the Year’ award, but I think this is much different” argued the King.  When he was reminded by a reporter that Georgetown recently received a grant for $20 million from a Saudi prince, Abdullah had the reporter gagged and removed from the proceedings. He then stared menacingly at the remaining press corp and emphasized the word “directly” while shaking his finger in the air.

The Saudi King Abdullah was accompanied at the press conference by King Mohammed VI of Morocco and King Abdullah II of Jordan, who ranked third and fourth respectively on the list. Both joined the Saudi King in expressing their happiness for being recognized as influential. King Mohammed, whose personal fortune has recently swelled to $2.5 billion despite the economic downturn, felt it was his work in poverty alleviation and humanitarian relief that pushed him up the list to number three. “I believe that children are our future, and I believe we need to teach them well and let them lead the way” he remarked. Despite the fact that the King controls most of the farmland and major companies in the country, Morroccan living standards have continued to decline since the early 1990s. “Sometimes I think – do I really need to spend $1 million a day to run my 12  palaces? But when I am recognized like this I feel I am really doing everything I need to do” responded the King.

King Abdullah II of Jordan meets Barack Obama. In an awkward exchange President Obama had to ask secret service to forcibly release Abdullah's grip of his hand

Abdullah II reflected on his rise to power almost a decade ago, “It never ceases to amaze me how important other people think I am for no other reason than the fact that my father was coaxed into appointing me King just before he died.” Later in the press conference he playfully nudged the Moroccan King while stating that he has a good chance of cracking the top three next year because unlike other Arab monarchs, he does “everything the Americans ask him to do WITHOUT asking questions.”

However all three Kings raised concerns about the placement of Recep Tayyip Erdogan, Prime Minister of Turkey, as fifth on the list. “All the guy did was get elected via popular mandate – he has no personal wealth, no royal lineage and doesn’t even speak Arabic” argued the Moroccan King. All three agreed that Erdogan belonged in the “honorable mention” section with the Prime Minister of Indonesia, Susilo Bambang Yudhoyono. Together the two democratically elected officials preside over close to 20% of the global Muslim population and respectively lead the 17th and 19th largest economies in the world. “Its kind of like how you have old money and new money, these guys are sort of the ‘nouveau riche’ if you will,” said Abdullah II, whose country ranks just behind Tanzania in terms of annual GDP, “until their kids and their kids kids are ruling their respective nations several generations from now, I don’t see any reason to give them too much respect.”

Prior to leaving the press conference to return to their respective palaces, each monarch checked in with their country ambassadors from the United States for any new instructions regarding domestic or foreign policy matters. “At first I was a little reluctant to have to check in with the US ambassador every single time I did anything” complained the Moroccan King Mohammed, “but then they gave me this really cool Blackberry to stay in touch with them, sort of like the one Obama has, and now I don’t mind it as much.”