CNN Hires Vegetative Corpse of Ariel Sharon to Replace Octavia Nasr

Posted on July 9, 2010


EP: Atlanta – In what is considered a bold, unorthodox move to improve the news network’s credibility, CNN has officially hired Ariel Sharon, the former Israeli Prime Minister, to be its Senior Middle East correspondent replacing 20-year veteran Octavia Nasr. Nasr was fired earlier this week for expressing  respect for Hassan Fadlallah, a shiite religious leader with ties to Hezbullah who recently passed away. Network executives at CNN felt Nasr no longer had credibility to report on Middle East issues effectively, and are excited to turn to Sharon who they believe can provide the “insider” perspective on Middle East politics and policy that viewers and advertisers are craving.

Ariel Sharon, seen here during his more active days, has accepted a position with CNN as Senior Middle East correspondent. The comatose Sharon, who remains in a vegetative state, has apparently slimmed down since his stroke in 2006.

“Don’t get me wrong here, it will be a challenge as Sharon is in a permanent vegetative state. This means location shoots and actual reporting are simply not possible” explained CNN Senior Executive Producer James Johnson “but we believe that simply putting a camera on Sharon in his hospital room will be far more insightful than whatever Nasr could put together.”

Several executives within CNN were relieved the woman with the “Arab” sounding last name is no longer with the network. “I mean come on this isn’t Al-Jazeera, her last name was ‘Nasr’ how credible a journalist can you be in the Middle East when its clear by your last name that you will be shilling for those Arabs” said one senior executive who wished to remain anonymous. The recent firing of Nasr also sparked rumors  at NBC that morning host Hoda Kotb could also find herself without a job. “Give me a break, her name is not Kotb, it is Qutb – as in Sayyid Qutb” remarked another network insider who also wished to remain anonymous.

Wolf Blitzer, a long time CNN anchor and former lobbyist for AIPAC, the largest pro-Israeli lobbying group in America, believes the move will only make the network stronger. “My experience with AIPAC has been very important in informing how I frame issues on my show. Without that background its not clear exactly how I could be objective about the region. I think Sharon’s experience as a politician will be incalculable” said Blitzer during last night’s episode of his program the Situation Room.

Sharon was unable to comment due to lack of brain function, but a spokesman for the resting former Prime Minister was upbeat. “Ariel Sharon already has a place in history for leading the massacre of innocents in Sabra and Shatilla. Now we believe he can open a new chapter for himself by demonstrating to the world that a persistent vegetative state is no obstacle to misinforming the world about what is really going on in the Middle East.”

CNN shares were up sharply after the announcement.