Cain Bows out of Campaign to Spend More Time with Mistresses

Posted on December 3, 2011


EP: Washington DC – Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain effectively bowed out of the race today, officially  suspending his campaign. In front of a crowd of supporters, Cain explained his decision.”I suspend my campaign today in order to better pursue my relationships with various women to their full extent. The campaign limited my opportunity to meet with them on a number of occasions, something I deeply regret.” While many of Cain’s supporters were disappointed by the decision, most expressed a recognition that he had few choices. “We will always support Herman Cain, but we recognize that we are being selfish when we ask him to take time away from his mistresses to campaign for us” said Jeff Johnson, a Cain supporter from Alabama.

Herman Cain suspended his campaing today. He plans to pursue various relationships he put on hold during his bid for the White House.

Cain elaborated on the rationale behind his announcement with reporters. “As a presidential candidate, I was forced to spend a lot more time with my wife of 43 years, Gloria, than we are used to. This was difficult for me, and many of the women I am pursuing relationships with. I was getting like 50 or 60 calls a day from campaign staff, limiting the time I had to schedule appointments with my lady friends” explained the former candidate. “I had all this junk about uzbeki paki stani stan stan stan twirling around in my head I even forgot the number of someone I met just two days ago in New Mexico.  As you can imagine, this is unacceptable to me.” Cain went on to say that while he thanks his campaign staff for their efforts, he must focus his attention on his “real supporters”, the countless women he has been inattentive towards during his bid for the White House. “I have been in deep prayer hoping they have not forgotten me” he added.

Some are speculating that by suspending his campaign, Cain is leaving the door open to reenter the race at a later date, or create some leverage for joining the eventual Republican nominee as a vice-presidential candidate. To these rumors Cain was forceful and direct “I have no further political ambition at this time and have suspended my campaign and not officially ended it because I believe it could serve as a vehicle for meeting more women in the future.”