Browsing All Posts filed under »Personalities«

Cain Bows out of Campaign to Spend More Time with Mistresses

December 3, 2011


EP: Washington DC – Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain effectively bowed out of the race today, officially  suspending his campaign. In front of a crowd of supporters, Cain explained his decision.”I suspend my campaign today in order to better pursue my relationships with various women to their full extent. The campaign limited my opportunity to […]

Gingrich Expects Surge in Polls Until Public Remembers He is Newt Gingrich

November 17, 2011


EP: Washington DC – First it was Michelle Bachman, then Rick Perry and Herman Cain. Now its Newt Gingrich’s turn to join Mitt Romney at the head of the pack. In what is shaping up as one of the most volatile Republican primary seasons of recent memory, former House Speaker Newt Ginrich is enjoying surging […]

Tall Blond White Males Not Concerned About Ethnic Profiling in Wake of Norway Attacks

July 25, 2011


EP: Oslo, Norway- A recent poll conducted by Gallup reveals that tall blond white males between the ages of 27 and 45 are overwhelmingly unconcerned that fallout from the recent terrorist attacks in Norway will result in increased profiling of tall, blond white men. Anders Behring Breivik, a 32 year old nordic man of white, anglo […]

Hermain Cain Questions Whether Muslims are Human, Affirms He is Still Not a Bigot

July 18, 2011


EP: Washington DC – During a press conference today, Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain openly questioned whether being a Muslim and a human being are intrinsically compatible. “First let me clarify that I am not a racist, or a bigot. Look at me, I am black, therefore those words cannot apply to me. However it is not clear to […]

Trump Channels Racism in Bid for Presidency

April 26, 2011


EP: New York – Real estate mogul turned TV personality Donald Trump is mounting an improbable run for the White House and claims to have a winning campaign strategy that will get thim there. “There are still a lot of racist people in America who are afraid to say racist things” explained Trump to reporters “what I am doing is […]

For His Last Act, Gaddafi Plans Reenactment of Final Scene from “Scarface”

February 23, 2011


EP: Tripoli – Muammar Gaddafi, facing the greatest challenge to his 42 year rule of Libya, explained to reporters that when he said he would “fight to the last drop of blood” and “die as a martyr” during his wide-ranging and discursive 70 minute address to the nation, he was actually reflecting on the iconic […]

Arab Autocrat Visa Applications to Saudi Arabia Spike in Wake of Egyptian Revolution

February 11, 2011


EP: Riyadh – Amidst the collapse of Hosni Mubarak’s 30 years of rule in Egypt, Saudi Arabia’s Ministry of Foreign affairs is reporting a spike in visa applications from Arab autocrats under the country’s “Retired Tyrant” extended stay program. While an official from the Ministry declined to comment on who was applying, he did say […]